Notes of an Asexual Muslim

Can we please stop saying "non-monosexual"

Thu, 23 May 2013 19:43:13 -0700

angrybisexual:

…unless we also mean asexuals.

There already is an umbrella term, widely used for some time now, which most people understand in a similar way… “bisexuals”.

Is this a thing? I mean, as an asexual I had always assumed I was included when people said “non-monosexual,” and a lot of what I see people talk about when they discuss monosexism is pretty applicable to us, too. Is that generally elided in bisexual/pansexual centered spaces?

(Honest question. I’ve been debating writing something about comparing asexuality to bisexuality for a bit, but before I do I’d want to think more about how the two communities interact with one another.)

This is something I’ve thought about before too. As the OP notes, asexuals are not monosexual (zero does not equal one) but people usually use non-monosexual as a synonym for bisexual or pansexual and I once came across someone who explicitly excluded asexuals from their definition of non-monosexuality, claiming that asexuality is not a form of sexuality. (WTF?)

I’m also interested in exploring commonalities between bisexuals and asexuals, and it’s a theme I’ve touched on a time or two on my Tumblr.

Participants Wanted: Asexual Terminology Survey

Tue, 21 May 2013 20:26:14 -0700

Participants Wanted: Asexual Terminology Survey:

avenpt:

My name is Andrew Hinderliter, and I am a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Linguistics at the University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign. My dissertation is about online asexual discourse, with particular interest in its development over time. I ran one survey last January, and I am now conducting a survey on asexuality-related concepts and terminology.

To participate, you must be at least 18 years of age or older, be proficient in English, and identify as asexual, gray-A, or demisexual. The survey has a number of language-related questions, and it is asked that you do not look things up while taking the survey.

Click here to participate.

Asexuality Book is a go

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:33:42 -0700

swankivy:

I am pleased to announce that my asexuality book has been offered representation by a literary agent. Once I’ve gone back to the other agents who were considering it, I’ll sign with one of them (most likely the first who offered), and then it’s on to the publishing houses. This could move pretty fast. (If I’m lucky.)

Hope I can count on y’all in this community to help spread the word once there’s something to buy and something to review. (And I’ll probably do fun things like cover reveals and blog interviews, if anyone wants to participate.)

One thing I’d like from y’all is a bit of info. I had a huge response from Tumblr when I was collecting test readers—more than sixty people signed up—but very few of the readers had time (or inclination) to offer me in-depth feedback, and I want to make sure I do this right. It will be the first non-textbook traditionally published book in existence on our subject, and it will end up being the first one a ton of people pick up in bookstores, so now is the time to ask this question.

If you are asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If You’re Asexual (Or Think You Might Be)”?

If you are not asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If Someone You Know Is Asexual (Or Might Be)”?

These sections are designed to be super short and mostly reassuring, giving capsule understandings of what they can expect and practical advice on either coming out or dealing with someone coming out, and how to facilitate understanding between people who might not understand each other very well.

Keep in mind there are three other sections in the book that address definitions, relationships, romantic orientation/aromantic orientation, gray aces and demi aces, libido, sexual activity, culture, involvement with the queer community, prejudice/society, and a HUGE section to debunk misconceptions. There is also a decent-sized resources section. But some people are going to turn directly to one of the above-named sections, and I want to know what information you think should be there waiting for them. If you’re asexual-identified or questioning, what would you want that chapter to answer for you? If you’re a family member, friend, or partner of an asexual person, what would you want to see answered first?

I have a very good idea of how to approach education and a lot of it is probably already covered. But I do want to know if I’m missing anything and hear the perspectives especially of non-asexual people, so I can do a good job drawing them in and getting them to read the rest of the book and be better allies.

I would rather not have to go through a billion reblogs to collect your suggestions (though I will probably see them if you reblog), so I would rather you either send them in an ask/fanmail or just e-mail me directly at ivy@swankivy.com . I’d really like to hear from you, and I’ll let those of you who write to me know directly whether your suggestion is something I have already incorporated or whether I missed it.

Thank you in advance—for the support and the suggestions.

This is awesome news! I was one of the test readers earlier this year, and I strongly encourage folks to give swankivy their thoughts and feedback so that we can make this book as good as possible.

I am so thrilled that the book is moving forward because I think a book of this type for aces, potential aces, and friends and family of both is very badly needed.

The asexual community is a terrible place to hide from your sexuality

Sun, 19 May 2013 16:51:39 -0700

queenieofaces:

This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

A while back there was this big kerfuffle on tumblr* about how aces are secretly harmful to LGB folks. One of the main arguments was that LGB folks have internalized heterosexism, and thus use the asexual community to hide from their sexuality. Now, I’m not really interested in getting into the whole “are aces harmful to LGB folks” debate, because that thing is a can of worms—a can of flesh-eating, fire-breathing, radioactive worms, that is. But the idea of hiding from one’s sexuality in the ace community had me raising my eyebrows so far that they were practically flying off my face, and all I could think was, Have you ever spent any time in the ace community? If I wanted to hide from my sexuality, the asexual community is the last place I’d go. Here’s why:

Read More

This is very much on point!

Resources for asexual survivors of rape and sexual assault

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:05:19 -0700

queenieofaces:

(Obvious trigger warnings apply to the whole post, although there’s no graphic discussion of anything. If you don’t want to see this on your dashboard, I will be tagging everything related to this project with ”resources for ace survivors,” so you can blacklist that. )

I’ve decided that one of my summer projects is going to be assembling a resource list for asexual spectrum survivors of sexual assault and rape. I’ve seen the lack of such a resource mentioned several times online, and also had several conversations in person about the necessity of such a resource. Although we don’t have any official numbers (that I know of), anecdata suggests that it’s not uncommon for aces to be sexual assault survivors (and to receive rape threats fairly regularly). It’s also not uncommon for ace survivors to be afraid of reaching out for help (because of fear that their therapist will try to “cure” their asexuality, because they don’t know where to find resources, etc.). So resources need to exist.

That said, this is probably a ridiculously huge undertaking, and if I did all of it by myself it would A. probably not be as good as I’d like and B. not have as many resources as I’d like, since (despite what my professors think) I cannot read everything in the world.

Here’s where you come in:

If you have suggestions for things you’d like to see on the list (how to find therapists, lists of helplines, how to deal with PTSD on your own if you can’t get therapy, etc.), please let me know. I really want to tailor this to what people would find most helpful. Heck, if it would be helpful to include information on how to supportive of someone who’s a survivor, I can see what I can pull together.

On the other hand, if you have suggestions for any resources that should be included in the list, please let me know. I don’t know of any resources specifically for ace survivors, but if you know of any good resources (whether general audience or LGBTQ-specific) that could be adapted, I want to know about them. Also, I know how to find support on college campuses, but not a lot about community resources, so any information on that would be greatly appreciated.

If you are a survivor and are willing to give advice or share anything that you think others would find helpful (even if it’s something as simple as “this is how I deal with panic attacks”* or “I wish I had known ____”), my ask box is open and anon is on. I can also turn on submissions, if that would be helpful. I will not publish asks without your explicit permission. (Also, I reply privately to non-anon asks.) Alternatively, you can email me at queenieofaces@gmail.com. I understand how hard it is to talk about this stuff, and no one should feel pressured into sharing anything. Only contribute if you feel comfortable doing so. (And if you don’t want to contribute but still want to talk to someone, my ask box is open.)

Basically, I’d like this to be the best resource possible, and since all of you are brilliant, I figure that anything you contribute will be brilliant. If you contribute in any way, I will include you in the list of contributors to the resource list (unless you would prefer not to be identified, in which case I will still include you as “anonymous”**).

If you would be willing to signal boost this post so that more people can know about it and contribute, that would be greatly appreciated. I’m not going to pull the “if you really care, you’ll reblog” card, ‘cause if you really care, you’ll take care of yourself, whatever taking care of yourself means to you. Again, if you don’t want to see this on your dashboard, I will be tagging everything related to this project with ”resources for ace survivors,” so you can blacklist that.

So, yeah, I think that about covers it. LET’S DO THIS THING.

*I recently learned that lying down and putting an ice pack (or bag of frozen peas, if you don’t have an ice pack) on your face (specifically across the bridge of your nose) will often help with panic attacks, because it triggers your “dive reflex,” which slows down your heart and respiratory rates. SCIENCE.

**Alternatively, I can make up a ~~silly~~ fabulous pseudonym for you.

Feminist Ace Problems: When a feminist blogger you've liked and followed since you got a Tumblr account suddenly reveals a raging hatred of asexual people

Wed, 08 May 2013 10:39:33 -0700

swankivy:

terra-promessa:

And claims that the concept of asexuality in women, particularly women of color, is “harmful” because it’s just internalized misogyny and the patriarchy WANTS us to be asexual.

I’ve heard this argument roughly a million times before and it never ceases to amaze me with its stupidity. Seriously, where the fuck is this supposed planet where women are fully accepted and even praised for being asexual? Because I’d move there in a heartbeat.

News flash: the patriarchy doesn’t want women to be asexual; it wants them to be heterosexual. Patriarchy WANTS women to feel sexual attraction and desire, but said desire must be PASSIVE and oriented entirely towards straight men. As a woman you are not allowed to assert and articulate your own desires regarding love, sex and relationships; you must instead be receptive toward whatever it is that straight men want. Deviance in either direction is punished. Any assertion of sexual agency, whether it’s expressing your own sexual desires or expressing the fact that you LACK sexual desires, will result in endless shaming and harassment. To anyone who has spent any amount of time Living While Female, this should be really, really fucking obvious.

My ENTIRE. LIFE. as an out asexual person—specifically an out asexual woman—has been a never-ending cacophony of random-ass people taking my sexual orientation as some kind of personal insult or feeling threatened by it to the point where they feel the need to frantically bully me in an effort to shut me up. Either it’s misogynist straight men who are convinced that sex is literally what women are FOR and who get extremely angry about asexuality because it forces them to confront the fact that women were not put on earth to exist as potential sexual partners for them (I have been stalked, harassed and threatened with rape by such men, so I’m well acquainted with this particular mentality), or misguided “feminists” who think that gaslighting me about the way I experience love and attraction or telling me to have sex I don’t want is somehow an acceptable, even progressive thing to do.

And what absolutely KILLS me about some of these women is that they’ll talk at length about the problems within the sex-positive movement and the way it tends to promote rape culture tropes in the guise of progressivism, but then the moment asexuality enters into the equation they suddenly become as rabid as the worst of the sex-pozzers and this hypocrisy generally goes unchallenged.

I’m so sick and tired of dealing with this bullshit, I could scream. You cannot be a feminist who claims to advocate for women and promote women’s sexual agency and then spend your time shitting on asexual women. YOU CANNOT.

(If anyone wants to know who this person is so you can block them, message me and I’ll give you their url. I’m reluctant to post it publicly because as repulsive as this person’s beliefs are, I do not want people sending them hate, ESPECIALLY given the likelihood that a lot of the hate might be centered on the fact that they’re a WOC and identify as a feminist. On the other hand they’re fairly well-known on Tumblr and have a lot of followers, so I’m torn as to what I should do. Advice?)

Very eloquently expressed capsule understanding of what it’s like to be an ace woman in this world, terra-promessa. I relate very much, since half the time people are offended on some visceral level that I do not desire sex and the other half the time people waste their time telling me how sad it is that I’m wasting my time on this awareness nonsense (since, you know, THEY don’t see an “actual” problem, so I’m being silly by claiming I experience pushback nearly every time I’m honest about myself).

^^ What they said.

audaciousace: Carnival of Aces // May 2013 // Appearances Hello Everyone: I’m thrilled to...

Sun, 05 May 2013 19:43:11 -0700

audaciousace:

Carnival of Aces // May 2013 // Appearances

Hello Everyone:

I’m thrilled to finally be hosting the Carnival of Aces here on Asexuality, Unabashed. This month I’ll ask you to join me in sharing your thoughts and experiences on how your identity has impacted your appearance, or the impact your appearance has had on your identity.

To get your gears turning, here are some questions and prompts to inspire your submissions:

-          Do you think your orientation is expressed in your personal style and the way you express yourself to others?

-          What are your thoughts/ experiences on people who dismiss asexuals as people who are not attractive enough to find someone?

-          What role do you think physical appearance plays in sexuality?

-          What are you thoughts/ experiences on people who dismiss asexuals as ‘a waste of looks’ or similar comments?

Get the submission details here.

Help AVEN raise funds to support the SF Pride Parade and Asexuality Conference!

Thu, 02 May 2013 16:04:35 -0700

Help AVEN raise funds to support the SF Pride Parade and Asexuality Conference!:

nextstepcake:

AVEN is shaping up to have the biggest and best Pride ever. On Saturday we’ll have a full-fledged conference in Berkeley with the major leaders of the Ace Movement and a day full of workshops on everything from improving mental health services for aces to aces in popular television.

Then on Saturday, anyone who wants to will march in the parade! We’ll have art, t-shirts, flags and a great banner.

If we raise $1000 we can cover the cost of the conference and the march, including catering, t-shirts, and pride parade registration.

If we raise $2500 we can cover the conference and parade plus print out tons of stickers and pamphlets. The stickers will be for everyone at the conference and for us to hand out at the parade. The pamphlets will be for us to hand out to organizations that want to do ace visibility (we get requests for them all the time and our stock has run out.)

Anything else we raise will go to printing more materials and to covering server costs for 2013.

seriously this is an exciting opportunity, and every bit helps!

queenieofaces: If you haven’t already seen, the April 2013 Carnival of Aces round-up has been...

Wed, 01 May 2013 15:55:37 -0700

queenieofaces:

If you haven’t already seen, the April 2013 Carnival of Aces round-up has been posted over at The Notes Which Do Not Fit!

The A is Here to Stay

Wed, 01 May 2013 11:53:07 -0700

The A is Here to Stay:

nextstepcake:

pearlsfromthewest:

I wrote this piece for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force’s blog — and I’m really interested in what aces think of the language at the bottom of the first paragraph. It’s really important to me to be inclusive of everyone in our community, so I am trying out new ways to define asexuality to audiences who may have never heard of it before,or have only heard of it in passing.

Cool piece!

Re: the language on the first paragraph (be warned, I like words a lot so this is going to be long and overly nitpicky):

Asexuality is an umbrella term for those who experience a range of sexual attraction that is significantly less than the rest of the population.

I’m not completely sure if the attempt here is to be inclusive of grey-A’s and demis, or just to give a broader definition of asexuality since everyone who self-IDs ascribes to the same definitions?

If it’s the former, I personally am not sure about including it all under “asexuality” rather than something like “asexual spectrum” - the point of those identities is that while they share experienes with asexuals, they are not the same thing; it reminds me a bit of how LGBT is often lumped into “gay” in common parlance which is something that it’s better to avoid in order to avoid erasing lesser known identities (bisexual, or grey-A, as the case may be). Alternitives could include ace spectrum, asexual spectrum, “asexual community includes”, etc. Or define asexuality, then talk about how the asexual community also includes…)

If it’s the latter…personally, I think that rather than making the definition more ambiguous (and since someone will still always be left out), it would work better to have a more specific working or general definition, but at the same time emphasize the fact that not everyone will have the same experience. (something like: “Asexuality is generally defined as…[but the experience of what it means to be asexual differs for every individual])

I guesss my only other point would be that I prefer brevity, and “range of sexual attraction that is significantly less than the rest of the population” is just such a mouthful - it’s the kind of language that might be good for academic papers, but it’s a bit too unwieldy for everyday conversation. In addition, the attempt to be more inclusive also makes it very vague, which doesn’t help people understand any more - while inclusivity is important, so is clarity. Which is why I do still prefer things like “asexuals are people who do not experience sexual attraction to any gender” or maybe “who experience little or no sexual attraction to any gender” if you want to be broader.

In addition, I also like keeping the focus on “lack of attraction to any gender”. First, because it makes it more parallel with other sexual orientation constructs, which are all based around the gender of the target of attraction, not the level of attraction. In addition, I prefer focusing on the target gender because it helps keep the focus away from the “level of sexuality” idea, which can be misleading - when people start to imagine asexuality as people who are just “less sexual”/”have less sex”, that’s not what asexuality is like - or at least, not for me. I still consider myself a very sexual person, in some ways - I just don’t have interest in other people. And I prefer a definition that reflects that.

Admittedly, this is a lot of nitpicking for one sentence; and in general I think you can still work with a lot of variants. But I do think that having a clear, easily understandable definition that can be conveyed in just a few words is something that is important in activism.

I agree with all of these points. I think the definition used in the blog post is a little too vague as worded, and nextstepcake makes some great suggestions.

The A is Here to Stay | National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Blog

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:30:50 -0700

The A is Here to Stay | National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Blog:

Sara Beth Brooks writes about asexuality on the blog of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

Consent shaming debacle

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 08:12:29 -0700

queenieofaces:

Trigger warnings: rape, sexual assault, Queenie being angry at people

The whole consent shaming debacle* has made me pretty frustrated with everyone and everything. I am well-aware that getting involved in this thing is an exercise in futility, but I have to say something or else I will explode (and that would be messy).

If you remove aces’ sexual agency, you not only do a disservice to aces who consent to sex (despite lacking attraction to their partner(s)), you do a huge disservice to aces who have actually been raped or sexually assaulted. If you deny someone’s ability to say yes, you also deny their ability to say no. And so any ace who has been assaulted is getting the message that of course they were assaulted, because that’s what happens to aces (gosh, didn’t they read the fine print?). It doesn’t matter if they said no, it doesn’t matter if they were in a situation in which they were literally unable to consent (such as being unconscious), it doesn’t matter if their partner(s) violated previously established boundaries, because by refusing to admit their sexual agency, you denied their ability to even establish those boundaries. You are lumping together every ace survivor of sexual assault and rape with every ace who has had consensual but somewhat awkward or fumbling sex, and even (as I’ve seen argued in some of the particularly heinous responses) with every ace who has ever enthusiastically consented to mutually enjoyable sex.

That is not okay. Stop. Asexuality does not void a person’s ability to consent (or not) to sexual activity as they (not you) see fit.

*Starting post here. If you’ve somehow managed to avoid this, you’re probably better off that way, although nextstepcake has managed to respond with significantly more eloquence and poise than I would ever be able to.

"In other words, one asexual person can be dismissed mentally as a weirdo who will soon enough see..."

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 09:38:39 -0700

“

In other words, one asexual person can be dismissed mentally as a weirdo who will soon enough see the light and give up their weird ideas. There is no real impetus to change us or challenge us, in our claims, when asexuality is not a thing with any presence or growing legitimacy in the eyes of the world.

However, all that will (hopefully, if we activists are doing our job right) change for the next generation.

Asexuality will have more of a presence in the world, appearing in more media and being mentioned more in person and in various media. Even the simple presence of “asexual” on a poll as a possible orientation in non-asexual-related media will serve as markers of our legitimacy, of our realness, of our existence as something more than an ill-thought-out phase.

As such, when we say we are asexual, it will begin to mean something to your average person off the street. It will not be something to be explained, or dismissed.

And it will begin to carry concrete meanings with it, that instantly present themselves in the mind of the hearer.

”

- The Bleak Future of Asexuality | Asexual Cupcake

An interesting post (be sure to click through to read the whole thing), which argues that it is only the extreme invisibility of asexuality that protects asexuals from open prejudice and discrimination.

Thoughts on Privilege/Oppression rhetoric, and it's relation to asexuality

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 19:08:05 -0700

nextstepcake:

Excerpt:

For a confusing metaphor to try and further explain the difference: Imagine life as a ladder that we try to climb. Advantage would be people giving you a hand up. Active disadvantage would be when someone kicks you down. Passive disadvantage would be when the ladder is covered in grease and you can’t pull yourself up.

And I think by separating it like this, it may be a little easier to understand how asexuality fits in. As asexuals, we tend to have fewer problems in terms of active disadvantages, but we do often have more passive disadvantages.

In addition, while we have fewer people kicking us down, we also have fewer people helping us back up as well. - this is what things like “the sexual advantage” and “sexual privilege” have usually been trying to articulate, even if occasionally in a problematic way. It’s important to remember though that acknowledging that a group has some advantages that others don’t doesn’t mean negating the fact that they may also have much more active disadvantages as well.

It is nuances like that that I believe “oppressed vs. privileged” fails to capture.

View Full Post Here

This is not a blog. No, seriously.: tw: rape

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 14:42:09 -0700

This is not a blog. No, seriously.: tw: rape:

toomanylokifeels:

No, I am going to talk about this and you are going to listen.

Asexuals often receive rape threats because people believe that asexual-identifying individuals cannot possibly not want to have sex; even though the idea that asexuality is defined by specifically not wanting to have sex is a false one. (And I’ve explained that here) It is for this reason why I am tired of the constant oppression game people like to play with the asexual community. Are we oppressed? Are we not?

It doesn’t matter, all these arguments do is mask the fact that this unacceptable thing is happening. People actually think that “corrective” rape will change someone’s sexual identity. It starts with people asserting your orientation does not exist, and asexuality is not the only orientation to face/to have faced this. Then people assume things about yourself that “made you the way you are.” Then people move into threats territory. Then people move into the actions part.

There is a real fear even among the asexual community that people who identify as anything other than heterosexual will be harassed and assaulted. They have a reason to be upset and a reason to be afraid, it has happened to many people before. Many people within the asexual community and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole have experienced harassment and assault.

By denying that asexuals exist despite evidence that they in fact do, solely based on your misconceptions and political agendas that have little to do with our identity, you are perpetuating this dangerous mindset that people who do not fit into your idea of what a human being should be, need to be corrected.

My question to you is why then in situations where asexuals become upset over people harassing them, do asexuals get blamed for sticking up for themselves? Why are we not questioning why people think it’s okay to send rape threats to people who identify as such? Why are we not questioning what their problem is, instead of what ‘our’ problem is?

My right to exist and to be safe should supersede your right to say whatever the hell you want. Your words have consequences and the consequences of them should not result in people like me getting harmed. This is more than about hurt feelings. This is an attack on our entire existence.

You do not belong in our spaces. You need not voice your “opinion” on our orientation, it’s not a debatable topic and it is not a matter of conflicting opinions. The fact that you get defensive when asexuals rightfully become upset when you attack them shows that the problems lie with you and not with them. Furthermore, it is not your job to regulate what the asexual community does or says, that is something people within the community can debate and discuss critically.

Interested in Asexuality Studies? Everything you need to get started contained within « Mark Carrigan

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:52:40 -0700

Interested in Asexuality Studies? Everything you need to get started contained within « Mark Carrigan:

codeman38:

ace-muslim:

The special theme issue of Psychology & Sexuality on asexuality is in open access through the end of May 2013, so if you’re interested in downloading those articles, you can access them through the linked page. Also provide are links to some other research articles of interest.

Edit: Does this only start at the beginning of May? Currently, only the editorial is open-access for me; everything else demands payment.

In reading the original post more closely, I see that it says only the editorial and “virtual discussion” are open access. I’ve updated the original post to clarify. Sorry about the confusion, I went too fast.

Interested in Asexuality Studies? Everything you need to get started contained within « Mark Carrigan

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:56:00 -0700

Interested in Asexuality Studies? Everything you need to get started contained within « Mark Carrigan:

The special theme issue of Psychology & Sexuality on asexuality has some articles in open access through the end of May 2013, so if you’re interested in downloading those articles, you can access them through the linked page (it appears that only the editorial and virtual discussion articles are actually available). Also provide are links to some other research articles of interest.

Note: This post originally stated incorrectly that all of the articles were available, which is unfortunately not the case. I’ve updated the post with the correct information. Sorry about the confusion.

(in)Visibility Activist

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 07:42:17 -0700

redbeardace:

(Cross-posted at AsexualityArchive.com: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/invisibility-activist/)

I’m still afraid.

Every day, I wear a black-gray-white-purple bracelet. I have an ace flag bumper sticker on my car. I have a magnetic black ring on my cabinet at work. I have a little asexuality lapel pin that I keep on my camera lanyard. I like to consider myself openly asexual.

Hell, I literally wrote the book on asexuality.

But I’m afraid.

I’m worried that one day, someone will ask me about one of those things. “What’s that bracelet about?” “What’s that ring for?” “What’s the flag mean?” The bracelet typically gets hidden by my watch, so it’s not very prominent. The flag pin on my camera lanyard is only seen when I’m using my camera, and I typically only use my camera when I’m on vacation a thousand miles from anyone I know. On the rare day that I’ve actually worn the ring, I end up hiding it. It’s like everyone is staring at it. I know they aren’t, that no one even notices, but that doesn’t help. I fidget with it, I hide it, I start using my left hand to point at things. It feels like I’m wearing a giant flashing neon sign on my finger.

I met a new coworker the other day as I was leaving the office. We made small talk about the company as we took the elevator down to the parking garage. She got off on the same floor as I did. She walked the same direction as I did. She kept the casual conversation going as we walked. It quickly became clear that she had parked near me and would see my car. I became filled with dread.

“What if she asks about the flag?”

I feel like I’m a visibility activist in the witness protection program.

Mostly, I guess I just feel that it isn’t anybody’s business but my own. I’m a natural recluse and don’t really like sharing personal details with others. I don’t even talk to people about the music I like, so why on earth would I want to talk to them about my sexual orientation? Asexuality has very little to do with my day job as a software engineer. It’s just not relevant, so why should I bring it up?

But what would I say, anyway? If someone asks about my bracelet or my bumper sticker, they’re probably just making casual small talk. Talking about my sexual orientation isn’t idle chit-chat with a stranger in the elevator, that’s a thermonuclear TMI bomb. How am I supposed to explain what it’s about in less than ten seconds, without confusing the person or making them feel uncomfortable? What’s the best way to approach asexuality education and outreach in a context where that education is unexpected and potentially unwanted?

Maybe I’m simply not suited to one-on-one outreach. I’m much more comfortable when I have hours, if not days, to think about what I want to say and have the opportunity to edit, tweak, and fine tune my message for as long as I feel is necessary.

None of you know who I am. I never use my name, I rarely give any kind of personal details. I’ve been completely unable to form any kind of meaningful connection with any of you. I prefer to be anonymous. I prefer to do my work behind the scenes. All of the posts on this site are attributed to the website itself. So’s my book. There’s no me here. Just a nameless, faceless website.

And that’s a problem.

Someone wrote to me about my book once and remarked that their parents are skeptical of asexuality because everyone who talks about it seems “unofficial”. We mostly hide behind Internet handles and anonymous 60 pixel square images. There are only a handful of asexuality activists who use names, and it’s a good bet that some of them are pseudonyms. Reporters ask if you’ll go on the record with your real name. If you don’t, you’re ashamed of who you are. If you do, you’re relentlessly attacked by the Internet Troll Machine.

It feels like many of us are trying to spread visibility while staying invisible. I don’t think it works that way. How do we fix that?

I identify with a lot of this post, as an introvert.

A thing that bothers me

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 16:31:54 -0700

nextstepcake:

metapianycist:

When people group aromantic aces with heteroromantic aces in order to imply that aro aces somehow benefit from heterosexual privilege. Which has the conclusion that all closeted non-heterosexual people, and all non-heterosexual people who are single or who have relationships that appear straight but aren’t (like bisexual woman + bisexual man! or non-passing binary trans man + cis man!), have heterosexual privilege. Which is a big steaming pile of bullshit.

The “aromantic aces are just straight!” things has never made sense to me. I mean, when I was questioning, literally the first thing I figured out was that I was not straight. Before hearing about asexuality, the first thing I ever figured out was that I had no preference for men over women in any sort of sexual, romantic, or other regard. I spent a good amount of time wondering if I was just some kind of apathetic bisexual. And if forced to choose which non-asexual orientation is closest to mine? It would not be heterosexuality, it would be bisexuality.

If I ever have a partner, they are just as likely to by female as male. And despite what some people claim, the current issues of marriage equality do affect me very much - I may not be traditional, but I am still interested in a committed relationship - including the possibility of marriage - and right now there is a 50% chance that I would be denied that if my partner just happened to be of the “wrong gender”

In what little romantic/sexual experimentation I’ve done (admittedly not much), it has been with both men and women. It’s been brief and I don’t talk about it much, but neither do I hide it.

When it comes to talking about “attractive people” I have as much appreciation for the feminine as the masculine.

It is true that I get read as straight a lot, but I also get read as some variation of lesbian/bi/queer quite often too. (Possibly more often - I don’t usually ask people what orientation they think I am. Though I am curious). Also, many of my queer friends get read as straight too, so….are we going to throw “straight privilege!” at anyone who doesn’t have a rainbow mohawk and carry a giant sign labeled “queer”?

AVEN Digest - 8th April 2013

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:07:00 -0700

avenpt:

Site News:

Voting is currently underway in the election to appoint a new member of the Project Team: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85889-new-project-team-member-needed-voting/

Applications to the AVEN Media Team are now being taken: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/86097-join-the-aven-media-team/

Visibility and Education:

A postgraduate student in Glasgow would like to interview people who identify as both asexual and disabled: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/86061-participants-required-for-a-study-on-asexuality-and-disability/

The team at Asexual Awareness Week will be hosting a free introductory webinar on asexuality later this month, in association with Campus Pride: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85892-free-online-webinar-for-your-campus-group-gsa-etc/

The first annual Cake Day for asexual awareness will take place on Monday 20th May: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85921-first-annual-cake-day/

World Watch:

Natasha V. Thompson has interviewed Professor Anthony Bogaert, author of Understanding Asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85692-interview-natasha-v-thompson-interviews-anthony-f-bogaert-author-of-understanding-asexuality/

HerCampus.com has an article on asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85606-hercampuscom/

In a recent survey, 9% of readers of men’s magazine Details identified as asexual: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85839-9-of-responders-of-a-sex-survey-identify-as-asexual/

Articles in LGBT magazines Gay Community News and Lesbilicious have conflicting views on the inclusion of asexuals under the LGBT umbrella: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85800-lgbt-soup-for-a-reason-lesbilicious/

A CNN article on sexual minorities briefly mentions asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85950-cnn-article-on-sexual-minorities/

The Daily Mail’s relationship page features a letter from an asexual man: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/86000-daily-mail-on-saturday-acticle-on-asexuality/

Community:

There will be a meetup in Vancouver on Saturday 13th April: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85697-vancouver-april-2013-meetup-fun-yay/

Also on Saturday, a meetup at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens in New York: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/54705-new-york-city/?p=2385177

Across the pond, there will be a meetup in Norwich, also on Saturday: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/84257-norwich-saturday-13th-april-2013-come-and-meet-some-new-people/

Saturday also sees a meetup in Stirling: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85005-regular-scottish-meets-stirling-13th-april-2013/

New digital literary magazine Parallel Worlds has been created for asexual/agender audiences: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85975-parallel-worlds-a-sci-fispeculative-lit-magazine-for-aces-d/

A small number of IRC chatrooms are devoted to asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85836-asexuality-irc-roomschannels/

A Tumblr user has compiled a guide to asexual content on the site: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85875-tumblrs-guide-to-asexuality/