Notes of an Asexual Muslim

writingfromfactorx:

angrybisexual:

…unless we also mean asexuals.

There already is an umbrella term, widely used for some time now, which most people understand in a similar way… “bisexuals”.

Is this a thing? I mean, as an asexual I had always assumed I was included when people said “non-monosexual,” and a lot of what I see people talk about when they discuss monosexism is pretty applicable to us, too. Is that generally elided in bisexual/pansexual centered spaces? 

(Honest question. I’ve been debating writing something about comparing asexuality to bisexuality for a bit, but before I do I’d want to think more about how the two communities interact with one another.) 

This is something I’ve thought about before too. As the OP notes, asexuals are not monosexual (zero does not equal one) but people usually use non-monosexual as a synonym for bisexual or pansexual and I once came across someone who explicitly excluded asexuals from their definition of non-monosexuality, claiming that asexuality is not a form of sexuality. (WTF?)

I’m also interested in exploring commonalities between bisexuals and asexuals, and it’s a theme I’ve touched on a time or two on my Tumblr.

swankivy:

I am pleased to announce that my asexuality book has been offered representation by a literary agent. Once I’ve gone back to the other agents who were considering it, I’ll sign with one of them (most likely the first who offered), and then it’s on to the publishing houses. This could move pretty fast. (If I’m lucky.)

Hope I can count on y’all in this community to help spread the word once there’s something to buy and something to review. (And I’ll probably do fun things like cover reveals and blog interviews, if anyone wants to participate.)

One thing I’d like from y’all is a bit of info. I had a huge response from Tumblr when I was collecting test readers—more than sixty people signed up—but very few of the readers had time (or inclination) to offer me in-depth feedback, and I want to make sure I do this right. It will be the first non-textbook traditionally published book in existence on our subject, and it will end up being the first one a ton of people pick up in bookstores, so now is the time to ask this question.

If you are asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If You’re Asexual (Or Think You Might Be)”?

If you are not asexual, what do you want to see covered in the chapter “If Someone You Know Is Asexual (Or Might Be)”?

These sections are designed to be super short and mostly reassuring, giving capsule understandings of what they can expect and practical advice on either coming out or dealing with someone coming out, and how to facilitate understanding between people who might not understand each other very well.

Keep in mind there are three other sections in the book that address definitions, relationships, romantic orientation/aromantic orientation, gray aces and demi aces, libido, sexual activity, culture, involvement with the queer community, prejudice/society, and a HUGE section to debunk misconceptions. There is also a decent-sized resources section. But some people are going to turn directly to one of the above-named sections, and I want to know what information you think should be there waiting for them. If you’re asexual-identified or questioning, what would you want that chapter to answer for you? If you’re a family member, friend, or partner of an asexual person, what would you want to see answered first?

I have a very good idea of how to approach education and a lot of it is probably already covered. But I do want to know if I’m missing anything and hear the perspectives especially of non-asexual people, so I can do a good job drawing them in and getting them to read the rest of the book and be better allies.

I would rather not have to go through a billion reblogs to collect your suggestions (though I will probably see them if you reblog), so I would rather you either send them in an ask/fanmail or just e-mail me directly at ivy@swankivy.com . I’d really like to hear from you, and I’ll let those of you who write to me know directly whether your suggestion is something I have already incorporated or whether I missed it.

Thank you in advance—for the support and the suggestions.

This is awesome news! I was one of the test readers earlier this year, and I strongly encourage folks to give swankivy their thoughts and feedback so that we can make this book as good as possible.

I am so thrilled that the book is moving forward because I think a book of this type for aces, potential aces, and friends and family of both is very badly needed.

queenieofaces:

This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

A while back there was this big kerfuffle on tumblr* about how aces are secretly harmful to LGB folks.  One of the main arguments was that LGB folks have internalized heterosexism, and thus use the asexual community to hide from their sexuality.  Now, I’m not really interested in getting into the whole “are aces harmful to LGB folks” debate, because that thing is a can of worms—a can of flesh-eating, fire-breathing, radioactive worms, that is.  But the idea of hiding from one’s sexuality in the ace community had me raising my eyebrows so far that they were practically flying off my face, and all I could think was, Have you ever spent any time in the ace community?  If I wanted to hide from my sexuality, the asexual community is the last place I’d go.  Here’s why:

Read More

This is very much on point!

queenieofaces:

(Obvious trigger warnings apply to the whole post, although there’s no graphic discussion of anything.  If you don’t want to see this on your dashboard, I will be tagging everything related to this project with ”resources for ace survivors,” so you can blacklist that. )

I’ve decided that one of my summer projects is going to be assembling a resource list for asexual spectrum survivors of sexual assault and rape.  I’ve seen the lack of such a resource mentioned several times online, and also had several conversations in person about the necessity of such a resource. Although we don’t have any official numbers (that I know of), anecdata suggests that it’s not uncommon for aces to be sexual assault survivors (and to receive rape threats fairly regularly).  It’s also not uncommon for ace survivors to be afraid of reaching out for help (because of fear that their therapist will try to “cure” their asexuality, because they don’t know where to find resources, etc.).  So resources need to exist.

That said, this is probably a ridiculously huge undertaking, and if I did all of it by myself it would A. probably not be as good as I’d like and B. not have as many resources as I’d like, since (despite what my professors think) I cannot read everything in the world.

Here’s where you come in:

If you have suggestions for things you’d like to see on the list (how to find therapists, lists of helplines, how to deal with PTSD on your own if you can’t get therapy, etc.), please let me know.  I really want to tailor this to what people would find most helpful.  Heck, if it would be helpful to include information on how to supportive of someone who’s a survivor, I can see what I can pull together.

On the other hand, if you have suggestions for any resources that should be included in the list, please let me know.  I don’t know of any resources specifically for ace survivors, but if you know of any good resources (whether general audience or LGBTQ-specific) that could be adapted, I want to know about them.  Also, I know how to find support on college campuses, but not a lot about community resources, so any information on that would be greatly appreciated.

If you are a survivor and are willing to give advice or share anything that you think others would find helpful (even if it’s something as simple as “this is how I deal with panic attacks”* or “I wish I had known ____”), my ask box is open and anon is on.  I can also turn on submissions, if that would be helpful.  I will not publish asks without your explicit permission.  (Also, I reply privately to non-anon asks.)  Alternatively, you can email me at queenieofaces@gmail.com.  I understand how hard it is to talk about this stuff, and no one should feel pressured into sharing anything.  Only contribute if you feel comfortable doing so.  (And if you don’t want to contribute but still want to talk to someone, my ask box is open.)

Basically, I’d like this to be the best resource possible, and since all of you are brilliant, I figure that anything you contribute will be brilliant.  If you contribute in any way, I will include you in the list of contributors to the resource list (unless you would prefer not to be identified, in which case I will still include you as “anonymous”**).

If you would be willing to signal boost this post so that more people can know about it and contribute, that would be greatly appreciated.  I’m not going to pull the “if you really care, you’ll reblog” card, ‘cause if you really care, you’ll take care of yourself, whatever taking care of yourself means to you.  Again, if you don’t want to see this on your dashboard, I will be tagging everything related to this project with ”resources for ace survivors,” so you can blacklist that. 

So, yeah, I think that about covers it.  LET’S DO THIS THING.

*I recently learned that lying down and putting an ice pack (or bag of frozen peas, if you don’t have an ice pack) on your face (specifically across the bridge of your nose) will often help with panic attacks, because it triggers your “dive reflex,” which slows down your heart and respiratory rates.  SCIENCE.

**Alternatively, I can make up a silly fabulous pseudonym for you.

swankivy:

terra-promessa:

And claims that the concept of asexuality in women, particularly women of color, is “harmful” because it’s just internalized misogyny and the patriarchy WANTS us to be asexual.

I’ve heard this argument roughly a million times before and it never ceases to amaze me with its stupidity.  Seriously, where the fuck is this supposed planet where women are fully accepted and even praised for being asexual?  Because I’d move there in a heartbeat.  

News flash: the patriarchy doesn’t want women to be asexual; it wants them to be heterosexual. Patriarchy WANTS women to feel sexual attraction and desire, but said desire must be PASSIVE and oriented entirely towards straight men.  As a woman you are not allowed to assert and articulate your own desires regarding love, sex and relationships; you must instead be receptive toward whatever it is that straight men want.  Deviance in either direction is punished.  Any assertion of sexual agency, whether it’s expressing your own sexual desires or expressing the fact that you LACK sexual desires, will result in endless shaming and harassment.  To anyone who has spent any amount of time Living While Female, this should be really, really fucking obvious.

My ENTIRE. LIFE. as an out asexual person—specifically an out asexual woman—has been a never-ending cacophony of random-ass people taking my sexual orientation as some kind of personal insult or feeling threatened by it to the point where they feel the need to frantically bully me in an effort to shut me up.  Either it’s misogynist straight men who are convinced that sex is literally what women are FOR and who get extremely angry about asexuality because it forces them to confront the fact that women were not put on earth to exist as potential sexual partners for them (I have been stalked, harassed and threatened with rape by such men, so I’m well acquainted with this particular mentality), or misguided “feminists” who think that gaslighting me about the way I experience love and attraction or telling me to have sex I don’t want is somehow an acceptable, even progressive thing to do.  

And what absolutely KILLS me about some of these women is that they’ll talk at length about the problems within the sex-positive movement and the way it tends to promote rape culture tropes in the guise of progressivism, but then the moment asexuality enters into the equation they suddenly become as rabid as the worst of the sex-pozzers and this hypocrisy generally goes unchallenged.

I’m so sick and tired of dealing with this bullshit, I could scream.  You cannot be a feminist who claims to advocate for women and promote women’s sexual agency and then spend your time shitting on asexual women.  YOU CANNOT.

(If anyone wants to know who this person is so you can block them, message me and I’ll give you their url.  I’m reluctant to post it publicly because as repulsive as this person’s beliefs are, I do not want people sending them hate, ESPECIALLY given the likelihood that a lot of the hate might be centered on the fact that they’re a WOC and identify as a feminist. On the other hand they’re fairly well-known on Tumblr and have a lot of followers, so I’m torn as to what I should do. Advice?)

Very eloquently expressed capsule understanding of what it’s like to be an ace woman in this world, terra-promessa. I relate very much, since half the time people are offended on some visceral level that I do not desire sex and the other half the time people waste their time telling me how sad it is that I’m wasting my time on this awareness nonsense (since, you know, THEY don’t see an “actual” problem, so I’m being silly by claiming I experience pushback nearly every time I’m honest about myself).

^^ What they said.

audaciousace:

Carnival of Aces // May 2013 // Appearances

Hello Everyone:

I’m thrilled to finally be hosting the Carnival of Aces here on Asexuality, Unabashed.  This month I’ll ask you to join me in sharing your thoughts and experiences on how your identity has impacted your appearance, or the impact your appearance has had on your identity.

 To get your gears turning, here are some questions and prompts to inspire your submissions:

-          Do you think your orientation is expressed in your personal style and the way you express yourself to others?

-          What are your thoughts/ experiences on people who dismiss asexuals as people who are not attractive enough to find someone?

-          What role do you think physical appearance plays in sexuality?

-          What are you thoughts/ experiences on people who dismiss asexuals as ‘a waste of looks’ or similar comments?

Get the submission details here.

queenieofaces:

If you haven’t already seen, the April 2013 Carnival of Aces round-up has been posted over at The Notes Which Do Not Fit!